Me and Baby Brother

I have been thinking about my baby brother Shawn a lot lately.  Even dreaming about him.  It’s been 20 years since his death and although the pain has subsided, it still feels like a dull ache that never quite goes away.

 

 

Growing up Hollis my father Jonie B. was very strict.  He joined the United States Navy when he was just 19 years of age so I imagine a lot of what he learned in the Navy from a discipline standpoint, he imparted onto his own family.  Shawn and I were the youngest of 7 children (5 girls, 2 boys) so we bore the brunt of it.  My mother was a “housewife” at the time and was always there to make sure our childhood was as pleasant as possible.

 

 

Shawn was the youngest of us 7 Hollis children and the true ‘baby of the family’.  I remember being quite jealous when he was born because I was just 2 years old and no longer the baby of the family.  It reminds me of that song, “Lonely Boy,” by Andrew Gold because this baby boy, being an “only child,” was doted on by his parents until 2 years later when his baby sister came along and suddenly all of the attention and focus shifted to her.  This obviously does not perfectly apply to my situation since I’m a girl, Shawn’s a boy and there were 5 other children born before us, but I can certainly relate to that little boy’s pain (smile).

 

 

Shawn had a wonderful personality and a smile that could light up a room.  The fact that he was “easy on the eyes” didn’t hurt either…People naturally gravitated towards him because of his friendly demeanor, sensitive nature and kind ways.  As I mentioned before, Shawn and I played together as siblings do but to be honest, I was more concerned with hanging out with my 4 older sisters who I looked up to and emulated as best as I could.  Being the baby girl, they didn’t want me around so I started forging my own friendships with girls my age at school and at home.

 

Shawn was smart as a whip from day one and also very sensitive by nature.  As he got older his sensitivity became more and more of a liability as people tend to equate a gentle nature and kindness with weakness.  Still it did not seem to faze him, he did not try to change his personality, he just lived out his truth.

 

Like a lot of boys at the time, Shawn joined the Boy Scouts to fit in.  This ended up  backfiring on him though because most of the activities were father-son related and our father was out to sea a good portion of the year living on submarines to build his Naval career.  In other words, not able to be there for Shawn like the fathers of the other boy scouts were there for their sons.  My mother tried to help out but it wasn’t the same…

 

Shawn was gifted with a creative mind so he became a self-taught musician – he taught himself how to play guitar at a very young age and drew on inspiration from a relatively unknown Indie musician at the time named Prince (smile).  I remember hearing Prince’s music coming from his bedroom and thinking, who in their right mind could listen to that mess (smile).   When Shawn graduated from high school he applied for and was accepted into the prestigious Berkelee School of Music but dropped out after a few semesters due to financial issues as well as feelings of loneliness and isolation.

 

Shawn also had a short stint in the U.S. Army but the service life did not agree with him.

 

When Shawn passed, I had just started working months before as an Account Executive at WTNH TV News 8.  As it turned out, learning my new gig (broadcast television sales) felt like learning a whole new language.  However this learning curve turned into a blessing in disguise because it acted as a good distraction for me after the heartache of losing a loved one.  I was having a difficult time processing the loss of my baby brother and to be honest, I even felt a little guilty about what more I could have done as his sister who was closest in age to him and probably understood him more from our shared experiences in childhood and such.  The funeral was surreal, people from our childhood in Groton, CT showed up, as well as family, friends, and member of my Christian Tabernacle Baptist Church family.  My News 8 sales managers and sales colleagues showed up in full force which meant the world to me, a mere newbie at that time.

 

 

As what usually happens after a funeral, a flood of memories arrived of our brief time together.  Relatively speaking, I have way more memories of our short lives together growing up Hollis than I do of our lives after high school and college.   Shawn became somewhat reclusive in his last 10 years on earth.  And it was hard to reconcile.  Life hadn’t turned out the way Shawn expected so most of the news that I received about him was from my dear mother Jean when I swung by to visit her over the weekend.   Growing up though Shawn and I, being the youngest in the family, got along pretty well.   We had fights like brothers and sisters do but for the most part we played nice.  Shawn was so easygoing and likable it was hard not to get along with him.   My mother also made sure that we kids were all involved in some kind of activity after school as well as during the Summer months so there was always something going on.  As we got older and started high school, the other kids had moved out so it was just me, Shawn and our mother at home.  My parents had separated by then.

 

 

Looking ahead, what Shawn’s short time on this earth has taught me is to be kind, you never know what someone is going through or has gone through.  Be compassionate as compassion is free and show empathy to those people who may be different from you.  Life is too short to not appreciate it as and for the gift that it is.

 

Sincerely,

 

TVFL